I haven´t taken the pill for four weeks now and the pleasurable dreams have returned. I feel a little guilty and embarrassed about the satisfaction with which I enjoy them.
I understand feelings perfectly well now, and I´ve realised that they are very different from what people in our community retell in their evening rituals. Real feelings are deep and strong and there is no quick comfort for them.
Today was an unscheduled holiday. I looked for Asher. He was playing with other children. They pretended to have guns and to kill each other but with no understanding at all of what killing or dying meant. I couldn´t help remembering the memory of war I received from the Giver. I was so shocked at seeing children laugh and have fun with no awareness of the horror and the violence behind their game...I was about to cry.
When the game was finished, and only Fiona and Asher remained by my side, I tried to convince Asher not to play that game anymore. But Asher was adamant. He said he was the one who was training for Assistant Recreation Director, and that games weren´t my area of expertise. I felt so impotent!
My training has isolated me. Nobody understands me and I cannot do anything about it. I cannot tell them what I know, I cannot pass them the memories, I can´t open their eyes. The times I tried I failed because they don´t seem to have the capacity to free themselves from their set of beliefsI understand feelings perfectly well now, and I´ve realised that they are very different from what people in our community retell in their evening rituals. Real feelings are deep and strong and there is no quick comfort for them.
Today was an unscheduled holiday. I looked for Asher. He was playing with other children. They pretended to have guns and to kill each other but with no understanding at all of what killing or dying meant. I couldn´t help remembering the memory of war I received from the Giver. I was so shocked at seeing children laugh and have fun with no awareness of the horror and the violence behind their game...I was about to cry.
When the game was finished, and only Fiona and Asher remained by my side, I tried to convince Asher not to play that game anymore. But Asher was adamant. He said he was the one who was training for Assistant Recreation Director, and that games weren´t my area of expertise. I felt so impotent!
I know I cannot go back to the world of no feelings where the rest live (even though I sometimes wish I could), but I can´t help feeling extremely lonely and isolated.
No comments:
Post a Comment