INTRODUCTION

Hi! My name is Jonas. I am about to start my training as the new Receiver of Memory of my community. It is a very honoured position. It is a job that requires intelligence, integrity, courage, and the capacity to "see beyond".  At the ceremony of Twelve, the Chief Elder said  I have these qualities, even though I am not so sure myself. She also explained that I would acquire wisdom through my training, though I still don´t understand exactly what she meant.

I was given a folder with instructions. I read them when I was alone in my bedroom, and to tell the truth, I found them quite weird and a bit worrying....For example, the prohibition to apply for medication reminded me of the Chief Elder´s warning  that the training would involve physical pain. This is unsettling. Will I be able to cope with this?

The instructions also say I won´t have any time left for recreation. This means I won´t be seeing my friends Fiona and Asher so often. I don´t like this idea very much. We used to spend so many hours together before our Asignments!

 Besides, my training will be absolutely secret, so I cannot discuss it with anybody in the community, not even friends or family, so that is why I´ve decided to start this blog. It will  allow me to word my feelings. We are used to wording our feelings. It helps us to understand them better. Each family unit does this in one of our rituals: the evening telling of feelings. We also tell our dreams to each other, every morning. Now I am exempted from these rituals, and I am told I may even lie, something I have never done before.

I start this journal in the hope that it will, in a way, replace the rituals. Recording my training and the feelings it arouses will definetely help me to understand them clearly. I am so used to order and clarity...I cannot do away with them so easily!

FIRST DAY OF TRAINING

 Today it was the first day of my training at the Annexe Room. I thought the place would be like any dwelling, but actually it was very different. There were upholstered chairs and very luxurious sofas. The table legs weren´t straight, they were curved and slender. The room was full of books… Not just the few books of rules you find in dwellings, but lots of bookcases, crammed with them.

The Giver seemed to be old, but he told me he isn´t. He said he was tired. I could see it in his pale eyes. The Giver is kind and generous. He seems to understand me. I´m so happy that he is my trainer!

My training consists in receiving memories. The Giver passes me past memories of the whole world just by touching me. I close my eyes and it is as if I were living the memories. Nobody in the community has these memories. They come from a very distant past. The training seems to be great. I have learnt a lot and experienced new things, and it was only my first day!!

The first memory I received was lovely. I was on a hill full of snow, the first strange word I learnt. (Snow has disappeared with climate control. And that´s why we´ve lost the word) It was great fun because I slid down the hill on a vehicle called “sledge”. Then, the Giver transmitted another pleasant memory: the memory of sunshine. ..

As I was so happy, I wondered what the Chief Elder had meant when she told me that the training would include pain. I asked the Giver. I wished I hadn´t! To show me, he gave me a painful, awful memory: I was on a place with grass and the sky was bright. The sun was very hot. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain at the elbow. It was awful! I wanted to wake up. Finally I did and I was relieved to see that my skin wasn´t actually hurt, even though the pain remained. What I had experienced was sunburnt.

The training is very interesting. I didn´t know what the world was like before climate control. I thought the world has always been this way.

I´m looking forward to my next session but I hope it won´t include any pain. Sunburnt is awful. I am happy we´ve done away with it!

COLOURS

Colours  are amazing. I have started seeing them. The first one I saw is called red. 

 It all started in the recreation center, when I saw a strange change in an apple. I did not say anything, because people would think I was crazy, but I decided to take the apple home to examine it. The next time had been the faces in the audience at the auditorium, which suddenly changed in front of my eyes.  And then, Fiona´s hair... 

I did not know what was happening to me.  My eyes had something, so I asked the giver if it had something to do with seeing beyond. I needed an answer. He made me remember the memory of the sled, and focus on it. When I did, I realised the sledge had the same quality as  Fiona´s hair. When the memory ended, the giver told me the name of that strange but beautiful attribute. It was called COLOUR, the one I´d seen was called RED.  

As days went by, I started seeing them all. It was like a new world to me.  Everything was different. COLOURS are fabulous, wonderful, fantastic, PERFECT!! I love the capacity of seeing beyond. It is a pity the rest of the community doesn´t have it... I´ve tried sharing this feeling with Asher, but I´ve realised it is impossible. He does not have the capacity of seeing beyond and he cannot even understand what he is missing. 

In conclusion I love being a receiver of memory and having this gift, but I can´t help feeling a bit sad for my friends, who will never understand the beauty of a rainbow.

ELEPHANTS

Today I had a very strange experience.

When I arrived at the Annexe Room, the Giver was waiting for me. He gave me a startling and disturbing memory. I was very nervous because he had warned me. But when he touched me, I suddenly apeared in a very warm place with some rocks and bushes, from where a vegetation area could be seen. I hid behind some shrubs. There were some men and I could see what the Giver had meant when he told me that in the past there were different skin colours: some of these men had a darker complexion.

In a very short time, the men killed an elephant and hacked its tusks. I could see the tusks were all covered by a RED liquid: blood. This memory really spoilt the beauty this colour used to suggest me.I was disgusted and I only wanted everything to finish quickly.

The men went away in a vehicle, and when the place was clear, another elephant emerged from the bushes and started caressing the huge corpse on the ground. Then, it roared a painful cry of rage and grief. I felt so moved by the love and anger this creature expressed...! I cannot take the sound of this tortured cry out of my mind. 

I was so impressed, that when I got back home, I wanted to pass some of this memory to my sister Lily. Her comfort object is a stuffed elephant, and  when I saw she took it from the shelf, I thought that she would like to learn about elephants´ appearance and behaviour in real life. But she only grew impatient at my touch. I was so disappointed!

The people that sorround me know and understand so little...! Well, but maybe ignorance is bliss... They definetely don´t suffer as the Giver and I do. They live carefree lives. They are not haunted by this painful cry I heard today. I sometimes envy them. 

A FALL FROM THE SLEDGE

Today, I had an exhausting day. Now, I clearly see what pain is, and that the future that awaits me is not very promising...

I have learnt about the Giver a little bit more. Now I know that he has a spouse who lives with the Childless Adults and that his life has always been very lonely. As books are forbidden to citizens, he cannot share them with his spouse and he cannot tell anything about his work to anyone except the new Receiver, so he cannot share anything related to his job with his family. He leads a secluded life, limited to his memories. He occasionally gives counsel and advice to the Committee of Elders. I felt a bit nervous and awful when I came to know what my future would be. I would like to have a spouse but I do not like the prospect of having a secret and unshared life. But it is the kind of life I got and I will have to get used to it, as there is no way to get off.

Some afternoons the Giver sends me away because he feels pain. I did not realise what he felt but unluckily, I am starting to discover it. This afternoon I plucked up the courage to ask him what causes him pain. I really did not know about it, and I felt curious but at the same time nervous.  I asked him to give me some of his pain because I did not want him to suffer so much. So that is when he gave me the memory of a broken bone. The memory was familiar as it started with snow and a sledge ride but this time, I lost control of the sledge and I was thrown violently onto the snow. I felt a lot of pain, I felt flames licking at the torn bone and flesh I had. I could not move, I screamed but nothing occurred. I did not know what to do, I was desperate, I started crying and vomiting. Suddenly, I was again in the Annexe room. My leg was not injured but the pain remained.

As for the experience, I would never want to feel it again, I felt terrible pain, I felt bad, injured, damaged, hurt, and wounded. That afternoon, I felt real pain and I would never want to repeat that experience. I was terrified and horrified. Now I understand why we have adopted Sameness, not to suffer so much. If every day will be the same, the future that awaits me will be painful but as the Chief Elder said, I have courage so I will have to be brave in order to survive and not to follow the previous Receiver’s path.

I wish I could escape from this community and these memories. If only I had an easier and common job, like my mother or Fiona…

THE IMPORTANCE OF A RECEIVER

Today I´ve learnt why the community needs a Receiver. One of the Receiver´s task is to give counsel and advice to the Committee of Elders. The memories give wisdom. We learn from past experience, and we have to advise the Elders so that they don´t make the same mistakes. For example, when the Giver was asked if it was convenient to increase population, he remembered how humans had suffered hunger because of overpopulation and therefore he advised the Committe of Elders against population increase.  

However, the Receiver´s main function is to retain the painful and sad memories from the past, so as to lift that burden from people. If it wasn´t for the Giver and me, those memories would be shared, i.e. everyone would suffer pain and sadness.

I think this is not fair. It`s very selfish of the community to curse a person`s life for the rest to have a better one. I wish we could change this but I know it`s impossible. There are only 2 members of the community who are aware of this: the Giver and me. So what could we do?

This assignment is such a weird thing. I don`t like being the new Receiver. I have to receive pain every single day. I feel angry and I don`t understand why I have to suffer so much. They made me believe it`s a very honoured selection but I´ve realised it is only a burden. I am very disappointed.

When I came back home, I was so angry that I wanted to rebel in some way. I tried to give memories to Gabriel to help him sleep soundly. I was surprised to see I succeeded. Gabriel has the capacity to receive!! At last I´ve found somebody with whom I can share! 

I think I won`t tell the Giver what has happened. I fear he may punish me, but... maybe if I told him, I could be taught  how to give memories better and my ability would improve... Anyway, I won`t tell him.  This will be our little secret, Gabriel. I promise I won´t tell anyone else. 

WAR

Today when I went to the Annexe Room, something was terrifying the Giver. So he decided to give it away to me. I knew I couldn´t expect a good memory, like the one of the boat, so I braced myself to receive the painful memory that was torturing him.

 It was the worst experience of my whole life. I saw a place which was foul smelling, noisy, and covered with smoke. Wounded men and horses lay there,

I heard a faint whisper asking for water. It came from a boy who was lying next to me. He was all covered in dirt and blood.  When I tried to reach my metal container to hand him water, I saw the wound in my arm: what looked like ragged flesh and splintery bone. I was full of pain; I couldn’t resist any more.

I handed the boy some water only to see how his lower jaw dropped as if he had been surprised by something. I understood with horror that he had died. I closed my eyes but  I could not close my ears to the sound of cannons, the cries begging for water, mother and death, the shrieks of horses... The word to describe this horror dawned on me: war!!! 

I just wanted the memory to disappear, but far from disappearing, it has haunted me all day. Now I cannot think about anything except war, I am terrified. This is terrible. How can  humans do this to each other? 

I don´t want to hold this memory. it is much more than I can bear. I want my childhood again!!!!!!

I don’t want to go to the Annexe Room again, It is sheer torture. However, I have no choice. I cannot apply for release. But if I return, what memory will come next? Are there worse memories than this? I don´t want to experience them!!

LOVE, HOME AND FAMILY

Luckily, in the last few days, I had a respite from suffering. The giver passed me memories of love, home and family. I really cannot believe we have lost such beautiful feelings.


Today, I dared asked the Giver which his favourite memory was and he gave me a memory of a celebration beside a decorated pine tree where people of different ages got together and exchanged presents. I was surprised to see old people mixing with the young, and the Giver explained to me that they were called "grandparents", and in the past they were not segregated in the House of the Old, as they are today. Even though I think we have a better organization in our community, we have still lost some things, like the joyful spirit of that celebration, and the warmth of a home, which I have learnt about in the memories the Giver passed me these last days.

I was so moved by the love that the people in that room with the decorated pine tree seemed to have for each other, that when I got home, I decided to ask my parents if they loved me. They told me "love" was a meaningless word, that it had become obsolete. I told them I understood what they meant, but the truth is that was my first lie to my parents. How can I understand the fact that we don´t love each other any more?!


As time goes by, I feel more and more lonely. The only one I am creating stronger bonds in my dwelling with is Gabe. I´ve shared many memories with him by now. This makes me feel necessary but at the same time I know it is prohibited. He is getting used to memories and if someday I am discovered, I´m sure I will be punished in some way.

I´ve decided not to take pills anymore. I want to see what happens. I don´t see feelings are so bad after all.

RELEASE

I am spending the night at the Annexe Room. The Giver is already asleep but I am so shocked with everything I´ve learnt today that I think I won´t be able to get to sleep.
When I got here today, we started talking about the previous receiver, Rosemary. The Giver told me how he trained her carefully, trying to balance painful and happy memories. But when she learnt about pain, she couldn´t stand it. One day, she kissed his cheek and went directly to the Chief Elder to apply for release. It wasn´t in her rules. It is in my rules so that I don´t do the same.
I was curious about release so the Giver allowed me to watch the morning release of the smallest twin. He explained that all private ceremonies are recorded and kept in the House of Closed Records. When I learned this, I was delighted that this was available to me, but when I watched and saw how my father killed that helpless baby as remorselessly as if he was giving him a bath, I was appalled. I couldn´t believe release was plainly killing the citizens that were surplus or not needed any longer: twins, old people... I felt disgusted and angry with the community.
I need to spend the night at the Annexe Room, because I wouldn´t stand seeing my father. Even though the Giver explained my father is just following orders, and that he doesn´t understand the meaning of death, I can´t help seeing him as a monster. How can he fail to realise what he is doing?!! Can´t he see the baby does not move any more after his injection?!! Is this what we´ve gained by doing away with feelings?!

After seeing the morning release, I was absolutely numble. To make matters worse, the Giver described Rosemary´s release. I had suggested she was not brave enough to be a Receiver, but the Giver told me that when they brought the syringe, she had asked to inject herself. It was more that I could stand in a day. I was devastated. I started crying, shouting and pounding the bed with my fists.

I cannot accept the community rules any more. I think we must do something to free people from their insensitivity. We´ve made a plan with the Giver: I will escape. If I get to Elsewhere, the memories I have, will go back to the people of the community, so they will understand all the things that they are missing with Sameness, and how they are killing each other, only in a more organised and painless way. The Giver will stay and help them get reorganised.

This is how we plan to carry it out: we would not be in the December ceremony. People will be busy and will not notice we are not there. The Giver will call a vehicle which will take us to the place where my journey will start. I’ll take with me food for two weeks. When The Giver comes back, he will say that I have been lost in the river, so the community will think I’m dead.

I’m scared about it, I want The Giver to come with me, but he has to stay. The community needs him. The Giver told me: “of course we need to care. It is the meaning of everything”. I suppose he meant we can´t abandon the rest to save ourselves. Having feelings make us responsible.He comforted me by promising to give me the courage and the strength I need for my journey through memories,

I hope it all goes well. Now I see I have an important role that exceeds that of simply receiving memories. I have to became our community saviour...

WAR GAME

 I haven´t taken the pill for four weeks now and the pleasurable dreams have  returned. I feel a little guilty and embarrassed about the satisfaction with which I enjoy them. 

I understand feelings perfectly well now, and I´ve realised that they are very different from what people in our community retell in their evening rituals. Real feelings are deep and strong and there is no quick comfort for them.

 Today was an unscheduled holiday. I looked for  Asher. He was playing with other children. They pretended to have guns and to kill each other but with no understanding at all of what killing or dying meant. I couldn´t help remembering the memory of war I received from the Giver. I was so shocked at seeing children laugh and have fun with no awareness of the horror and the violence behind their game...I was about to cry. 

When the game was finished, and only Fiona and Asher remained by my side, I tried to convince Asher not to play that game anymore. But Asher was adamant. He said he was the one who was training for Assistant Recreation Director, and that games weren´t my area of expertise. I felt so impotent!

My training has isolated me. Nobody understands me and I cannot do anything about it. I cannot tell them what I know, I cannot pass them the memories, I can´t open their eyes. The times I tried I failed because they don´t seem to have the capacity to free themselves from their set of beliefs

I know I cannot go back to the world of no feelings where the rest live (even though I sometimes wish I could), but I can´t help feeling extremely lonely and isolated.

SAVING GABRIEL

I won´t be able to follow what we´ve planned with the Giver. Something terrible has happened.

When I got back home, I was told the Nurturers have voted in favour of releasing Gabriel because he doesn´t sleep soundly.  Even my father  has voted for his release!!!

The release is scheduled for tomorrow morning.I can´t believe it.  I won´t allow anybody to touch him. I have created a strong bond with him, and I really love him. I have taught him important things through memories and I can´t imagine a life without him. But it is not just for me. It is also for him. He deserves to have a chance to live his life. How can we rob him of this? How can the Nurturers decide to kill him just because he is fretful at night? How can my family say “Bye Gabe” so heartlessly after having him for almost a year? How can I be part of this family?

I can´t allow them to release Gabe. I´ve decided to escape tonight with Gabriel. I can´t wait till December. I have to save Gabriel. I´ll wait till everybody is asleep and I will take my father´s bike because it has the child seat attatched to its back.

I know it is dangerous. I know I may not be ready. I haven´t received the memories of strength and courage yet, but they´ve left me no other option...

It´s late and everything is silent. I´m leaving...